Mastering Your Emotional Intelligence with Daniel Goleman
EPISODE 235
In Episode 235 of the Moonshots Podcast, we dive deep into Emotional Intelligence with renowned author and psychologist Daniel Goleman. Join us as we explore the key concepts from his groundbreaking book "Emotional Intelligence" through four captivating clips that will transform how you perceive and harness your emotions.
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In these podcast clips featured on the Moonshots Podcast, Michael Bungay-Stanier, the author of "The Advice Trap," delves into various vital themes and concepts from his book, providing insights on effective communication, personal growth, and achieving success.
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Watch this episode on YouTube
RUNSHEET
INTRO:
Daniel Goleman starts the episode with a dynamic discussion on self-confidence, revealing three empowering questions to ask yourself. Discover how emotional intelligence can be learned in just under three minutes.
WHAT IS IT:
MindToolsVideos takes us on a journey to unravel the three secrets to mastering Emotional Intelligence. Learn about developing emotional intelligence in a concise three-minute and nineteen-second segment.
THE VALUE:
One Percent Better delivers a quick breakdown of the importance of letting go, delving into the Ventilation Fallacy in just one minute and twenty-seven seconds. Find out why this concept is crucial for your emotional well-being.
OUTRO:
In the closing segment, Daniel Goleman gives us valuable insights on inspiring others to achieve their utmost potential. Explore the concept of the Flow State and discover numerous ways to empower and uplift those around you in a four-minute discussion.
Buy The Book on Amazon https://geni.us/AxekZWp
Get the summary via Blinkist https://blinkist.o6eiov.net/MmBxXq
Become a Moonshot Member https://www.patreon.com/Moonshots
Watch this episode on YouTube
Join us for this enlightening episode of the Moonshots Podcast and embark on a journey toward greater emotional intelligence and self-discovery. Daniel Goleman's wisdom will help you navigate the intricate landscape of your emotions and unleash your true potential. Don't miss out on this transformative conversation. Tune in now!
Transcript
00:00:07:12 - 00:00:38:14
Speaker 1
Hello and welcome to the Moon Shots podcast. It's episode 235. I'm your co-host, Mike Parsons. And as always, I'm joined by Mr. Mike Houston freely. Good morning, Mike. Hey, good morning, Mike. Good morning, Moonshots family. Good morning, listeners, viewers as well as members. Mike, I think once again, it's fair to say that we have not only a brand new action packed episode in store today, but we're actually kicking off a brand new series on the Moon shop show, aren't we?
00:00:38:16 - 00:01:08:12
Speaker 1
Do we have special sound effects for a new series? Maybe we should get some. Yes. You know what? I should have got the. Well, I can't use the trumpet. Instead, I'll do crowds. Yeah. Moonshots. Yeah. There you go. You've heard it live us prototyping our second mnemonic sound in progress. Let's hope that the rest of this show is a little bit more intelligent and maybe because Mike today is all about intelligence.
00:01:08:13 - 00:01:36:15
Speaker 1
However, on a new angle of intelligence kicking off this brand new series on relationship IPS, we kick off with Daniel Goldman's emotional intelligence. Why it matter more than IQ. Now, Mike, for those who maybe haven't necessarily read Daniel Kohlmann before, he's a New York Times best seller. In fact, his book, Emotional Intelligence, actually came out in 1995, and it was on the New York bestselling Times list for over a year and a half.
00:01:36:17 - 00:02:04:19
Speaker 1
Often the best selling book in most countries, and it was released in 40 of them. So this book obviously is we're going to dig into today, really helps us understand and even create a division perhaps between intelligence and what emotional intelligence is. Because, Mike, as you and I and our listeners and members have probably experienced, emotions can often get in the way of our thoughts, decision making as well as our successes.
00:02:04:21 - 00:02:27:01
Speaker 1
So today, I think within this book, we're really going to understand a little bit more around what is emotional intelligence and maybe how we can keep it in check or maybe even improve upon it. Yeah. So if you've been part of a team and the vibe hasn't quite been the best, if you've been part of a relationship and the divides haven't been too good, they're either.
00:02:27:01 - 00:02:48:23
Speaker 1
Emotional Intelligence is the book that created the category. You know, you might have heard of people talk about IQ. Right. This is where it came from. This is the source. This is really the go to place if you want to be the best version of yourself. You need others because life is a team sport. That's been a big theme of moonshots, hasn't it?
00:02:48:25 - 00:03:14:20
Speaker 1
It has team sport, this idea of collaboration. We saw it a lot with an all recent series with Michael Bohn, Guy Stanier The Advice Trap, as well as the ideas of coaching. But also, Mike, we've dug into this concept of working with people pretty much in, I want to say, maybe even the majority of the shows, because at the end of the day, we all want to live positive, influential and effective lives.
00:03:15:00 - 00:03:34:01
Speaker 1
And I think it's fair to say that you have to work with others in order to have that, in order to become better yourself and have to get others involved. Right. That's right. And what we're going to learn from Goldman is that you need to work on yourself, to work on your relationship with others. You need to work on your emotions if you want to work on your health.
00:03:34:03 - 00:03:56:10
Speaker 1
Because all of these things are interconnected and like a life like the very the source of the moonshot show, what we've discovered to be the best you can be professionally, you have to be the best you can be personally. So this is a book very close to our hearts. It's got so much to give, said Mark. I think we should jump right on in.
00:03:56:12 - 00:04:15:21
Speaker 1
Let's dive straight into here. Daniel Goldman, who's the author of the book Emotional Intelligence. This clip, Mike, is particularly dynamic. So I think we're really kicking a new series off with a bang. And Daniel is going to break down for us a key inspiration moment, which is all about the fact that emotional intelligence can be learned.
00:04:15:23 - 00:04:38:22
Speaker 2
Emotional intelligence can be learned. And this is the good news. Unlike IQ, which doesn't change from birth, it's really an index of how quickly the brain can learn. Every emotional intelligence skill is learned and learnable. Children start to learn it. You know, when you're an infant in your mom or your dad picks you up when you're crying and helps you calm down.
00:04:38:24 - 00:04:59:24
Speaker 2
That's a lesson in emotional intelligence as we learn it through life. If someone who's a leader has a deficiency, say, in empathy, or in managing their emotions, whatever it may be, that person can be helped. But first you have to know, do you care?
00:05:00:00 - 00:05:22:25
Speaker 2
So the first question is, do you care? Do you really want to put in the time and effort that it's going to take? If you don't, you should stop right there. Second, the person needs a good understanding of how others perceive them so that they can know what is the what are my strengths, what are the places I could improve.
00:05:23:01 - 00:05:45:22
Speaker 2
Third, you need to make an understanding with yourself something like a personal contract. But once you've chosen what you want to work on, say, becoming a better listener, you're going to every time you have a naturally occurring opportunity, you're going to practice that skill. I'm going to stop what I'm doing. I'm going to forget my train of thought and focus on the other person.
00:05:45:24 - 00:06:12:24
Speaker 2
Listen well. And then the first step is to practice that at every opportunity that comes along. If you do that for three or four months, you'll find the moment comes when you do the better things the new way without having to think about it. That means that your brain has changed. You've made stronger connections for this new way of doing things, and that will stay with you for life.
00:06:13:00 - 00:06:48:00
Speaker 2
This is actually the most reliable method for detecting emotional intelligence is a work similar in a challenge to the person to handle a problem on the spot to help two people settle a disagreement. For example, there are some companies that actually set up situations though hire actors to have a disagreement and ask the candidate to help them settle it so others will set up a work simulation, which is a highly stressful scenario.
00:06:48:06 - 00:07:09:24
Speaker 2
So the person has to handle that scenario on the spot. Another way to do it during the interview is to ask someone to describe a time they made a terrible mistake and that had a setback. Not their most successful moment, but a big failure. And how they handled it and what they would have needed to be better at it.
00:07:09:25 - 00:07:15:10
Speaker 2
This gives you some sense of whether they have insight, whether they have self-awareness.
00:07:15:12 - 00:07:38:09
Speaker 1
Oh, my, you know, you're up. You're really causing havoc for us because there's so much in that clip. We could just pause and just deconstruct that very clip for the rest of the show, right? Yeah. We're taking a few big insights into that initial clip already. And I think the key takeaway, in fact, there's a number of key takeaways that we can break down.
00:07:38:11 - 00:08:02:22
Speaker 1
But obviously, as we were hearing from Colman right at the start of that clip, it was the reinforcing fact that when you are sitting back and you wonder, I can't change how I think about things, I can't change how anybody else reacts because that's just how people are hardwired. I think the call out here from Goldman is no way it can be changed.
00:08:02:24 - 00:08:26:09
Speaker 1
You can spend time to become, let's say, more patient. You can become maybe less boring or bored, you can become less grumpy, or from just taking ownership and knowing it's just something I need to work on. Like anything, it's like fitness. It's something I just need to practice, make it to a habit. Yeah. And that practice really begins with his key word of caring, right?
00:08:26:09 - 00:09:04:18
Speaker 1
That he talked about at the beginning. And for those of us that may find that a little odd, where I think he's really going is if you want people to care about you, you need to care about them. And I think it's that's where you've got to start, particularly if you're trying to develop emotional intelligence. Because if you do care about people, you will invariably ask yourself, what can I do to help them and to help them perform in this given relationship team work setting.
00:09:04:20 - 00:09:29:00
Speaker 1
And what's on the other side of that is enormous gains. You think about it, if you're someone on the team, that always takes time to listen, understand, and and support in the right way to the challenges of your colleagues. Everyone's going to want to hang out with you. Everyone's going to want to do a project right. If you're not doing any of that, it's a pretty lopsided transaction where you're taking and not giving.
00:09:29:02 - 00:09:56:04
Speaker 1
And I think that that's really something that gets you in a very isolated manner. So if you're seeing that, wondering why none of your colleagues are helping you out rather than blaming them, maybe you need to take a look at yourself, which is really that big first idea, isn't it, from this idea of emotional intelligence, you got to work on it yourself if you want others to care about you.
00:09:56:06 - 00:10:22:20
Speaker 1
And I like that they all do that. He then goes into in that clip, which is he said, you got to start by noticing whether you care enough and you care to change, but also you care about other people, because then the next set is how you perceived. Because if you then shift from, okay, well, I care about these individuals, I therefore care about what they think of me and therefore I'm going to seek out feedback.
00:10:22:22 - 00:10:47:23
Speaker 1
I'm going to look for constructive criticism. I'm not going to take everything too personal. I'll get irate if somebody tells me something that I don't necessarily want to hear. Instead of building these practices to, I suppose, be empathetic towards others with how they're feeling, but also your I think, governments in reducing us to the idea that you should also seek out getting points of view from others.
00:10:47:25 - 00:11:07:23
Speaker 1
Because if you really do care what they think, go and ask them. Yes, What do you think? How am I reacting to things? Help me get better. Yeah. And listen, regardless, you know, most people have great intentions, but if they're not being perceived as such, then of course you want to hear that. Don't blame the audience. Maybe your message isn't right.
00:11:07:25 - 00:11:46:10
Speaker 1
Maybe you are not listening. Maybe you're not tuning in to their wavelength. But I tell you what, we are certainly tuned into the wavelength of our members. Man, oh boy, are we? And I'll tell you what, Mike, this member list just keeps getting bigger and bigger. So before we get to a point where the show needs to become 2 hours long, let me jump straight in and do what I think everybody's tuned into here, which is that overall announcement of our moonshot members, including Bob Marshall and Ken, the MRI machine, Connor, Rodrigo and Lisa said, Mr. Bond, you're Paul Cowman, Joe Christie.
00:11:46:10 - 00:12:20:16
Speaker 1
And similar to Bob and Andre, Eric, Chris, Deborah, Liza, Steve, Craig, Daniel, Andrew, Ravi, Yvette, Karen and Raul, all of whom are annual members. I'd like a usual. Of course those individuals are hot on the hot on the heels, I should say, with PJ Nikola, Ola Ingram. Ted, Emily, Harry, Karthik and Casa Marco, Ajit, Roger, Anna, Ruel, Nim, Milan, Diana, Christophe, Denise, Laura, Smitty and Corey Bertram, Daniella, Mike, Dan, Antonio, Vanessa and Zachary and Mike.
00:12:20:16 - 00:12:49:02
Speaker 1
With our brand new members, Brian, Katy and Austin, who have joined us recently as well. Boy, that is getting a big old healthy list of members for the Moonshot show. Yes, well said and well done to those members. Thank you for your support. We really do appreciate it. It helps us pay for all these pesky little costs that come up when you have a show that's watched and listened to by over 100,000 people a month.
00:12:49:04 - 00:13:10:00
Speaker 1
The hosting bills alone are a bit bonkers, but that's a good problem to have. And another good opportunity in life is actually to learn how to develop the IQ Mark So how might we help our members there? Well, I think why don't we now hear from mind tools, videos who are going to actually do the job for us?
00:13:10:02 - 00:13:16:06
Speaker 1
Let's hear from them and understand the first three lessons to learning. Emotional intelligence.
00:13:16:08 - 00:13:53:17
Speaker 3
Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to recognize, interpret and process emotions in yourself and others. While genetics, upbringing and environment all play a role, there are steps you can take to develop your emotional intelligence over time. Get to know yourself emotionally. Intelligent people are self-aware. They have a realistic appreciation of their strengths and weaknesses and how they come across to others.
00:13:53:19 - 00:14:35:08
Speaker 3
Peer feedback is one way of improving your self awareness and may uncover a few of your emotional blindspots. Learn Your triggers linked to the notion of self-awareness is knowing how you are likely to respond in particular situations. Think about how you felt the last time you were under pressure. Did these feelings help or hinder you? Recognizing emotions and the source of these emotions can shift your emotional state, Empathize.
00:14:35:10 - 00:15:04:15
Speaker 3
Seeing things from someone else's perspective will help you understand their values and beliefs. This is important when it comes to motivating and engaging others to make a conscious effort to get to know your colleagues, ask open questions and actively listen to what they have to say. Rather than simply waiting for your turn to speak. Be on the lookout for body language and other non-verbal signs.
00:15:04:17 - 00:15:43:24
Speaker 3
As these may tell you, more than someone is willing to express out loud on your emotions. Part of being emotionally intelligent is about taking responsibility for the way you interact with others. So if someone upsets you, pause and reflect on why their actions led you to feel this way instead of reacting, impulsive, you recognize that a conversation is a two way interaction, and it takes two people to make you angry, sad, or frustrated.
00:15:44:00 - 00:16:16:13
Speaker 3
Go with your gut. Finally, listen to your body. If your stomach starts doing backflips every time you speak to a senior manager or your muscles tense up before you go into a meeting, what does this tell you? Counterintuitive as it might seem, emotions can be a valuable source of information when making rational decisions at work. Remember, emotional intelligence isn't about suppressing emotions.
00:16:16:15 - 00:16:34:23
Speaker 3
It's about learning how to recognize process and channel them in a way that benefits you and your team. Enhancing your emotional intelligence requires effort, but it can be achieved with sustained practice.
00:16:34:25 - 00:17:09:01
Speaker 1
What That must get the award to being the most pleasant clip we've ever played on the major cost. Honestly, it's such a wonderful animation, actually. Yeah, but it's in the music. It was just so wonderful. Look, Mark, the the interesting thing here is how do we better and understand ourselves? And we touched on already some of the key things that video mentioned feedback, self-awareness, physical reaction and so forth.
00:17:09:03 - 00:17:44:00
Speaker 1
I wanted to share a little personal thing that I did, and that was I went and did the six personalities dot com Myers-Briggs personality analysis, and I found that one of the single best ways to better understanding myself and my emotions and working on myself, she says she went through that list, the triggers, all of those things I found through doing that test.
00:17:44:00 - 00:18:19:19
Speaker 1
It's totally a free test. So check out 16 personalities dot com. Many of you may have heard of Myers-Briggs and that's what 16 personalities is is based on. So the the heart of this with our personalities even though we're all unique we do have like how would I describe that very common personality traits with others and behaviors and obviously, you know, your behaviors and your personality are very much driven by your emotions.
00:18:19:19 - 00:18:50:01
Speaker 1
Right. And what I found really interesting is I'm now looking at my profile on 16 personalities, and it says I'm an E and F J. So it says, Well, here are my and this is really important. It gives me some some positives which were self affirming. And but here's this interesting pot weaknesses. So people like me can be unrealistic, overly idealistic.
00:18:50:03 - 00:19:31:02
Speaker 1
We can sometimes be condescending to others, intense or overly empathetic. Now what it goes on to do is to to kind of provide descriptions and tools for people that have the strengths and weaknesses of my personality type. And I found this really insightful with my personality type and my emotional type. We are what we call harmony seekers. And what I've found is a lot of my anger, frustration, challenge, stress and anxiety comes from the absence of harmony.
00:19:31:04 - 00:20:02:03
Speaker 1
And I got all of this self understanding about my emotions and my behaviors through doing this test. And it has been really it's like a revelation, Mark, when you get these insights and when you use tools like this, it's a great way to frame your personality type and it really helps you with some of these key things you've got on the screen, not only your awareness, but you know, when there's a lack of harmony, you can manage yourself like, Oh, this.
00:20:02:03 - 00:20:25:02
Speaker 1
I know that this is not a good place for me to be. Social awareness, you know, being really tuned in to how you work well, the types you work well with, the ones that you don't, and then managing appropriately after that. So there's just so many ways to go about this. You can ask your colleagues, your friends, your family members, you can go and do these online tests.
00:20:25:02 - 00:20:49:00
Speaker 1
These are all ways of revealing who you are and take what you want from these things, whether it's someone's feedback or tool. But I think it's all about getting some black and white facts on the table, because I think too often we're so cool and bound by our emotions. We don't even realize behaviors and responses because they're driven by these deep emotions.
00:20:49:02 - 00:21:10:10
Speaker 1
So if you can just begin to understand there's a little bit if you understand them better about yourself, then there's a very good chance you'll understand them in others, too. I think that's exactly the invitation that Daniel Goleman has for us in this book. I think the idea of emotions for myself has always been it's become like magic.
00:21:10:16 - 00:21:34:22
Speaker 1
You know, everybody's got them. Everybody reacts differently. And sometimes emotions are influenced by external factors. It's not always, you know, what you experience at work. Sometimes it's all the way down to, you know, your DNA or race or like you said, it's a bit a bit of a mystery. I mean, it's not like we all did emotional management one on one, but do it.
00:21:34:24 - 00:21:59:09
Speaker 1
That's it. And I think, you know, tools like 60 Personalities, which I've done as well, and it is a fantastic addition in the armory that you have around yourself as you're getting to know yourself in revealing maybe traits that you're aware of. You know, for example, maybe you're overly optimistic or people pleasing or adventurous at the same time.
00:21:59:09 - 00:22:31:05
Speaker 1
It can then showcase, okay, well, you worry too much or you're slow to act. These facets can be used in in accompaniment with getting personal feedback from those around you, whether that's a spouse, a mentor, colleagues, a leader, they can all be utilized all at the same time. Currently, I think the other build like that I've noticed for myself at least, is what we were hearing towards the beginning of that video, which is recognizing your behaviors, right?
00:22:31:05 - 00:22:53:24
Speaker 1
So we've obviously discussed the idea of noticing your body tensing up when you're getting a bit nervous. I think it goes even more than that, similar to what we heard in the video as well with regards to feeling feeling it in your gut. So on, we've always heard this phrase, you know, follow your gut. I think actually what we're being reminded of here is that's the saying because it's nature.
00:22:54:00 - 00:23:22:01
Speaker 1
It's a real reason. Absolutely. Daniel Goldman is introducing us to this not necessarily being magic any more. These are orientated around behaviors and habits that we formed as children and through our careers. So the weaknesses that we have, although they might be attached to a particular personality trait, that's because you've you've kind of gone down that route. Once you get aware of it, as Daniel Goldman's telling us, well, you can maybe influence, you can become a little bit better at it.
00:23:22:03 - 00:23:52:20
Speaker 1
And it's possible that those traits then change. I think for me, understanding that and understanding a little bit about what upsets me and upset being things that, you know, perhaps keep me up at night, make me not necessarily do the best work, are only really combatted from actions that I take. I can't expect my colleagues or boss to turn around and change everything for me just because I'm feeling a bit maybe down in the dumps.
00:23:52:22 - 00:24:19:14
Speaker 1
Instead, it's something that I need to take proactive interest in. Yes, ownership of Yes. Therefore, go out and find that solution to try and get myself maybe back on track and listen like once you identify through whatever feedback that you have a tendency, man, there's a thing called Dr. Google. You just jump in there and say, How do I stop getting so frustrated with X, Y, and Z or stressed over X, Y, and Z, and you will find a ton of starting points.
00:24:19:16 - 00:24:47:02
Speaker 1
And I think that's the key thing here. Once you understand your emotional spectrum, you can do so much to set yourself up for success. Even just when you see behaviors from others that you know are trigger for you that can cause you to feel frustration, anger, etc. Even just being capable of separating yourself and observing that behavior in yourself like this is really starting to frustrate me.
00:24:47:05 - 00:25:19:00
Speaker 1
But I know why now, and I'm going to take this course of action. It could be a way of thinking, a way of responding, or it could be if those are not sufficient, remove yourself from the situation. Yeah, yeah. It's just having that awareness A it, it's understanding. And I think that's that's the key benefit that emotional intelligence people have, which is Kalman's illustration to us, they are more balanced.
00:25:19:02 - 00:25:41:17
Speaker 1
And I think that's something that you don't necessarily achieve unless you were willing to look at the scales, understand what's weighing positively and what's weighing negatively, and either combat them and break them down to understand a little bit more or notice, acknowledge and move on. And I think that's the big invitation he has for us, isn't it? Yeah.
00:25:41:17 - 00:26:08:02
Speaker 1
And here's the big empowerment step for all of us, which is you don't have to keep on going in a situation that's not positive or constructive for you emotionally. You have the power and how you perceive and respond to sad situation or people. And that's the big thing. Like so much of what we learned about the Happiness Series, happiness is a choice.
00:26:08:04 - 00:26:47:19
Speaker 1
Emotional state is a choice. Now, admittedly, it is harder for others, for some over others. Maybe you have certain strong tendencies that are a bigger battle to change. In the end of the day, you can you really can modify your emotional state. And I think that's so good because if you continually work towards satisfaction, fulfillment, happiness and fine tune all these things, all these stresses and how you see them and respond to them, that response is your choice, which you control 100%.
00:26:47:22 - 00:27:05:24
Speaker 1
And similarly to you, Mike, you know, I've done the 16 personalities test. I am an NFP, and one of the weaknesses that I've just looked up was people pleasing. So most campaigners, which is the trait I am uncomfortable with the prospect of being disliked and that's certainly something I noticed throughout all my life. So what can I do?
00:27:06:02 - 00:27:22:24
Speaker 1
I'll take ownership of that. I can make sure that I'm more like a duck to water off a duck's back. I don't need to be concerned. It's my choice, more so than something that's going to stop me being the best version of myself for working hard and accomplishing the things I want to go out and do. So that empower.
00:27:23:00 - 00:27:44:24
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's a direct result. This empowerment is a direct result of better understanding of yourself and your emotions and your behaviors, and you can do something about it. Like so much in life comes down to the work you're prepared to put into it. If you're not feeling great, you have to be prepared to do the work for yourself to get out of it.
00:27:45:04 - 00:28:12:08
Speaker 1
You feeling good that you want to feel great? You've got to do the work. But I tell you how else you can do the work. Mark Just to get your course online, you can go to a very famous, a very illustrious website destination, wouldn't you say? Yeah, I think one of the tools in that armory that I go out and take a look at all the time to try and keep myself on track, keep myself growing each day is a little destination, or maybe, maybe not little anymore.
00:28:12:08 - 00:28:40:00
Speaker 1
It's a out of this world destination. Moon shots, don't I Of you can pop along. You can check out all of the Moon Shots Podcast shows 235 Right now you can find show notes, you can find clips, you can find transcripts as well as signing up to become better, even more illustrious points of being a moonshot member. Imagine all that good karma you could attract her.
00:28:40:02 - 00:29:06:15
Speaker 1
Actually, it's not just good karma, is it? Mark I think it's great. Interstellar out-of-this-world karma. Lunar powered, perhaps, Maybe even lunar power. Well, listen, you might have thought these guys, can they possibly go on any more about emotional intelligence? Could they possibly speak more to one of these great books? The answer is yes. So, Mark, let's slam in the aisles.
00:29:06:15 - 00:29:28:13
Speaker 1
Let's show them what else we've got about IQ. Yeah, I think we've now made the case, Mike, you and I, and I hope Daniel Goleman would agree that emotion intelligence is something that we should definitely take more interest in. Now we're going to hear from 1% better who's actually give us a very quick breakdown on an idea called the ventilation fallacy and how we should all take a breath.
00:29:28:15 - 00:29:51:19
Speaker 4
Lesson one The ventilation fallacy Venting when you're angry prolongs your mood rather than ending it. Come and tell us the story where he's in New York and he hops in a cab. The impatient cab driver honk the horn, signaling a young man to move out. The way the young man flips a bird. So the cab driver yells back, You son of a bitch, followed by revving the engine loudly out of anger as the cab takes off.
00:29:51:19 - 00:30:12:02
Speaker 4
The driver then says, You can't take shit from anyone. You got to go back. At least it makes you feel better. Contrary to popular belief and along with findings from multiple studies, argues that venting your anger doesn't make you feel better, but instead prolongs and amplifies your anger. It pumps up the emotional brain's arousal and leaves people feeling more angry.
00:30:12:04 - 00:30:32:03
Speaker 4
Don't get confused, though. Venting when you're sad can be a great way to get your feelings validated by isn't as effective when you're angry. So when you feel yourself becoming angry, what can you do to control your anger? Hey, take a few deep breaths to help you relax and slow your heart rate. This helps your body go from a high arousal to a low arousal state.
00:30:32:05 - 00:30:52:11
Speaker 4
B go for a while, but don't indulge in anger inducing thought. See, as bad thoughts come to you, Write them down and then reframe them. For example, if your spouse gets upset at you and stormed out the room, instead of thinking, Oh, she's so cranky all the time for no reason, it drives me nuts. Write down that thought and reframe it too.
00:30:52:13 - 00:30:56:18
Speaker 4
Maybe she's just had a bad day at work.
00:30:56:20 - 00:31:26:06
Speaker 1
So this is such an important step to take because there is so much proof that if you smile like this, you actually feel happier. So what we just heard is the inverse. If you're newly and we've talked about this several times, if you continually go back and relive the anger and frustration you felt with something, it it basically brings it back as if you're experiencing that moment again and again and again.
00:31:26:08 - 00:31:58:15
Speaker 1
And that's the power of the thought of let it go. It is what it is. Just move on. So I look at my attention and feeling as it's a scarce resource. If it's not towards productive, constructive, positive, meaningful feeling, feelings, emotions and actions. If I'm not going in that direction, if I catch myself having negative or angry thoughts, I try to interrupt it.
00:31:58:17 - 00:32:22:04
Speaker 1
Peace. Enjoy. That's what I say. Like literally peace and joy as a mantra to try and like literally roadblock the negative thought. Now, this is this is a way you can intercept your brain's pattern because you know how sometimes you can be stewing over something and then you just you and you stew and you become rotten. You become like one of those characters in Lord of the Rings.
00:32:22:06 - 00:32:47:15
Speaker 1
You turn into like a golem, you know, you're so twisted by the evil of that bad thought. Just be afraid to be a bilbo, Let it go. Just kind of get oriented yourself. You don't always have to be like, Kumbaya. Life is great, but you can certainly avoid angry negative patterns of thought because they have zero value to the human state.
00:32:47:21 - 00:33:13:01
Speaker 1
They are doing nothing for you. They're actually dragging you backwards. Man. I quite like the the build you gave there, which is the fact that you are ruminating in those negative minds in this whole. Well, he hasn't thought reliving the bad times. And what we've got on our slide behind us for those watching at home, is a very simple breakdown of the human brain.
00:33:13:01 - 00:33:39:03
Speaker 1
On the left hand side is all about intelligence, intellectual intelligence. And on the right is emotional intelligence. And the reason why we've got this here is to prove that it is such a substantial part of our big emotional intelligence. It's part of and half of your brain. So when I'm reliving my, let's say, an unpleasant moment and it's pretty tough to never get into a bit of a negative headspace, you know, it does happen.
00:33:39:05 - 00:34:05:01
Speaker 1
There's a substantial amount of my brain that's putting power into it, giving it real credence, giving it an actual element that then hooks on to me and, you know, to build into what you were talking about, smile. It takes only 13 muscles to smile, but it takes 47 to frown. So in a similar speech, you are crazy, which is funny, isn't it?
00:34:05:05 - 00:34:33:10
Speaker 1
But you're using so much extra energy. Wasted energy. Yes. And you're really pushing yourself to a point probably, or breaking if you're constantly in that frame of mind, both physically with your body aching muscles. Tensing Whether they're on your face or otherwise, as well as ruminating like a coffee pot and just continually getting darker and thicker. Instead, peace and you let it go and smile.
00:34:33:10 - 00:34:51:06
Speaker 1
It's much lighter. You're going to be that little bit more positive. People are going to want to hang out with you and ultimately your body and interpret things in a much stronger, more pleasant way on air. And you just need to look at the laws of attraction. You know, good things happen to those that think good thoughts, right?
00:34:51:10 - 00:35:18:07
Speaker 1
So you have to get out there and make that jump. You know, it's crazy to think back that we've gone this full cycle from self awareness, understanding how we operate, identifying our emotions, changing our emotional state for the better for ourselves and others. And you would have thought, well, job done, complete show. There's nothing more left in this great book, Emotional Intelligence.
00:35:18:09 - 00:35:40:06
Speaker 1
I mean, Daniel Goleman, he can't have another good idea. Or could he? I don't think so. Oh, I know he does. He's got another great idea, Mike, this time to really bring us back into this frame and theme of relationships. You know, I think we've again, started to make the case around working on your self to then become a little bit more stable, grow that of emotional intelligence.
00:35:40:08 - 00:35:55:05
Speaker 1
But as we know, this is the relationship series. So now let's hear from Daniel Goleman one more time in today's show, this time telling us about maybe a tried method, an area we are all aware of could slow state.
00:35:55:07 - 00:36:35:10
Speaker 2
If you ask people honestly about how they feel about their job, a very large proportion are disengaged. It's just a job. I just do enough to keep it. That's that statement is a rough index of a person having too little cortisol. They're in the wrong brain state at work. As you get such people more motivated, more interested, more engaged, and they rise up this art toward the optic mole zone.
00:36:35:12 - 00:37:04:16
Speaker 2
However, if you give them too much pressure, too little support, too little time, too little staff, too much to do, they start to feel overwhelmed and they keep going to the right and performance suffers. So the art of leadership is to help people get and stay in the optimal state for performance. That is how you get your best return on investment from a salary.
00:37:04:18 - 00:37:33:05
Speaker 2
And from a neurological point of view, this means helping people get and stay in the best internal state, the best state of their brain. This optimal state is called flow. Flow was discovered by researchers who one simple question of a huge variety of people. The question was, tell me about a time when you outdid yourself. Even you were surprised how well you did.
00:37:33:07 - 00:38:04:14
Speaker 2
And they asked ballerinas and basketball players and chess champions and surgeons, business people, all kinds of people. And what they discovered was that it didn't matter what domain of skill they were involved in, and everyone who was outstanding at that moment was in the identical internal state. And that state is characterized by several things. One is unperturbed ball attention.
00:38:04:16 - 00:38:36:05
Speaker 2
Their focus is 200%. Another element is that you're completely flexible and adaptable. Whatever comes up, you can handle it. But another is that your skills are challenged to their highest level, sometimes a little beyond another. A very important element is it feels great. You get a kind of a rapture or bliss. There's a joy in being in a flow state.
00:38:36:07 - 00:39:08:02
Speaker 2
So the state where people are performing at their best is also a state where they feel at their best and a smart leader, an effective leader, an emotionally intelligent leader can help people get and stay in that state. Here's some tips how to create flow. One is clear goals, more clarity about what to do, what the goal is, but flexibility and how to do it.
00:39:08:04 - 00:39:39:00
Speaker 2
The second is immediate feedback. It helps to know how you're doing, helps to know if you're getting closer to the goal. The third is to challenge and grow that person's skill set. Give them an assignment that stretches the and more fundamentally to match people's abilities with the tasks you give them. You don't want someone highly talented to be doing something boring for them.
00:39:39:05 - 00:39:54:03
Speaker 2
Then they're disengaged. You don't want someone to be in the wrong domain of skill. So the leader's task from this point of view is to help people get and stay.
00:39:54:06 - 00:40:24:23
Speaker 1
Oh, it's like we're listening to the brother of me High cheek sent me high rise in my but you know, you got it right You know the thing like we talk about deep work by Cal Newport or blow by me high cheek send me high but the point that Daniel makes is that to get to flow state, you have to be emotionally skilled, emotionally aware to get yourself there.
00:40:24:25 - 00:41:02:13
Speaker 1
And I mean, it scares me to death that so many people turn up to work and don't care. It scares me that people are not engaged and it just, you know, day after day. So to me, if you want to enjoy that exhilaration, that bliss state of working on something that is your work that you feel uniquely here in the world to do, then not only do you need to set up the conditions of deep work, you know, focus, no distraction, etc., good time, but you also need to get yourself emotionally prepared for it.
00:41:02:15 - 00:41:40:21
Speaker 1
And I think this is crazy because basically from one book we're learning on how to get yourself right emotionally, how to build great relationships and to find flow state. I mean, this is like three books in one. Yeah, you're getting a lot of value for money with, with Daniel government's book here. And I think you're totally right. Mike What's so enjoyable about us being able to revisit Mihai to tell me how his work on the flow state is this reminder that Daniel gives us, which is to, like you say, utilize the skills that you work on from an emotional intelligence perspective in order to help your self manufacture away into flow state.
00:41:40:23 - 00:42:12:19
Speaker 1
I think we know the value that we get from flow state and we know when we've had the opportunities that the lucky opportunities to get into that. We know it can be pretty. This is such a sure fire, almost productive habit that he's teaching us here, which is through some of those tools that we learned earlier, self-reflection self-care as well as asking for immediate feedback instead of looking at those things as tasks that you don't really want to do that I don't want to listen to my own thoughts.
00:42:12:25 - 00:42:30:00
Speaker 1
I do want to ask my boss for feedback what happens if he says something bad, or what happens if I find out something I didn't want to know. Suddenly you're giving all those things. So much power. Remove that power that they have, take ownership of it, and suddenly you'll be able to manufacture your way into thinking. Right? This is the best way that I can work.
00:42:30:03 - 00:43:12:19
Speaker 1
I'm going to be able to focus right here because I know how to get there and I'll be able to understand how to do the same with my team, right? I mean, this is a great value proposition that I think Daniel's given us here and one that I'm certainly taking a lot of notes from back to school. Like, the thing is that so much of our experience personally and professionally comes down to the idea of life being a team sport and what is really the currency of a team is their emotions trust, togetherness, focus, collaboration, support, all of these kind of things.
00:43:12:21 - 00:43:34:06
Speaker 1
And what we've learned is you've got to put time and effort into your Q into, your emotional intelligence. You've got to invest in better understanding yourself and be prepared to care about others. Do that and good things are ahead for you. So with so much on offer here, I'm I'm scared to ask. QUESTION What's the homework assignment you're taking for yourself?
00:43:34:06 - 00:43:55:01
Speaker 1
But, I mean, there's there's a few good pieces here, Mark. I think for me, though, it's probably the outro. You know, we heard from Daniel in that last clip, this, this call out to put into practice those those foundational tips in order to get us to this blissful point, as he puts it. And I think that's something I want to try to work on.
00:43:55:01 - 00:44:16:08
Speaker 1
I'm trying my hardest to accept feedback and look it in a positive way and so on. So it's taking that into the next step and it's putting it into an actual deliverable, let's call it. That then helps me become that super focused but flexible and dynamic work that I that I know I could be facing. What about you might basically Superman is continuing to see that.
00:44:16:11 - 00:44:37:25
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Superman. Thanks. Thanks, Daniel. I want to thank you. Which was inspiring out today. Listen, I think the first clip, like, you know, emotional intelligence can be lost and you need to know yourself. Like, I just feel like I'm on a lifelong mission to better understand who I am, you know? So that's that's going to be my homework.
00:44:37:25 - 00:44:58:18
Speaker 1
But certainly know you and want to thank you, Mark, for all that you've done to help us pull together this show. And thank you to you, our members, our viewers and listeners for today. We jumped into a new series with a new expert and guru, Daniel Goleman, and his work, Emotional intelligence. It's a classic. It's a huge one.
00:44:58:20 - 00:45:29:01
Speaker 1
So if a show 235, we started by learning that emotional intelligence can actually be learned, unlike normal cognitive intelligence. So that's a big one. We also got the three secrets to learning this emotional intelligence. We learned about the ventilation fallacy. Stop that venting, because if you do that, just on the other side is something called the flow state with yourself and the collaboration with others do those things and you shall definitely be on the way to being the best version of yourself.
00:45:29:03 - 00:45:33:00
Speaker 1
That's what we're all about here on the Moonshots podcast. That's a wrap.